[FRIENDS & GAMING] is the seventh file of the Princeton Tapes received by Reddit/Discord user TheSharp0ne on February 21, 2018.
In the first scene in this file, Vince, Evan and Jeff play a tabletop role-playing game. They argue about the game and laugh, mucking around.
In the second scene, Evan tells how he was once driving under the influence of a substance and was pulled over by a cop, but got out of it by talking about video games. He describes Mario Bros. in the audio, but the boys say it was 'The Pacman'. Mario Bros. was released in 1983.
In the third scene, they jokingly discuss Michael Dukakis, and how he will be the next president (in the 1988 election).
Transcript[]
Jeff: [mumbles] It is always my fault. Vin, what are you doing?
Vince: Hold on, hold on. I’m just setting it up, gonna get this on record.
Evan: Oh, you’re doing the fuckin’ thing agai-
Vince: Stoooop! [Evan makes weird noises and Jeff says something unintelligible] Just, shh! June 7th- [Evan and Jeff laugh.] We’re gonna play some nerd shit. Alright, we’re good.
Jeff: We’re good?
Vince: Yep.
Jeff: Everybody good-
Evan: [teasing] You sure you’re done?
Vince: I’m done!
Jeff: Alright, you guys have at least two dozen goblins after you. You fucked up that first roll.
Evan: Yeah, you did. You did.
Vince: A one’s not that bad.
Jeff: ...No.
Evan: A one is literally the worst! That’s the worst you can get!
Jeff: Well, did you finish your rolls? Wh- What did it come out to be?
Evan: Uh, I mean, y’know, we could- we could- we could say it was a twenty, that’s fine. We could say it was a twenty.
Jeff: Well you gotta roll [stammering] the little die, the little ones I gave you.
Evan: Oh! Uhhh yeah, yeah, yeah, well. One was like a six-
Jeff: Well, do you have any modifiers on it?
Evan: What’s that?
Jeff: Do you have your- Are you even looking at your character sheet?!
Evan: My what? I know my guy’s a-
Vince: Oh, shit! I have yours-
Evan: Ohhhh, that makes more sense, I knew I wasn’t a girl! I didn’t know what was going on here.
Vince: [chuckles] It’s a Wood Elf. There’s a difference.
Evan: It’s a girl Wood Elf whatever the fuck that is. [Vince sighs] Makin’ shit up over there.
Jeff: We’ll see-
Evan: I wanna be an orc!
Jeff: So needless- So needless to say, the roll didn’t go good.
Evan: Nah! It wh- I mean, I- I’m- I’m big! Whatever, y’know?
Vince: I don’t think the masters can go to the bathroom. The dungeons- uh- the dungeon guy?
Evan: … What?
Jeff: You’re both dead. You know, fuck this.
Evan: What do you mean, we’re both dead!
Jeff: You fucked up the roll!
[All three argue loudly.]
Evan: I didn’t finish the roll yet! This is bullshit!
Vince: You walked away mid-game-
Evan: You walked away mid-game!
Jeff: You walked away to play with your little box over there!
Evan: No, this motherfucker wasn’t even paying attention! Goddammit.
Jeff: You’re in a tavern.
Evan: Alright.
Vince: Nice.
Evan: I like that.
Jeff: None of that just happened. [stammering] Do you know if you’re a woman or a man this time? [All three laugh]
Evan: [laughing] Fuck you! I’m a man! A big strong boy! [Everyone chuckles.]
Jeff: Alright, so I assume that means Vinny is the, uh-
Vince: The Wood Elf.
Jeff: The Wood Elf? Right-
Evan: [claps] Done! I’m gonna hit on him! [Everyone pauses] He walks by, I’m gonna grab his ass. I’m gonna grab your ass.
Jeff: What do you do?
Evan: What do you do?
Jeff: … I ask that.
Evan: Oh! [laughs]
Vince: I use my persuasion to wink at him.
Evan: Nice, does it work?
Jeff: This is getting weird-
Evan: Does it work?
Jeff: Does it work? What do you roll?
Vince: Eleven.
Jeff: You’re- You feel a slight disturbance in your pants.
Evan: I mean, I’m already down to clown. [Everyone laughs] I’m the one that grabbed his ass! So—
Jeff: [still laughing] Wait, what is this- [The audio cuts out for a few seconds]
Jeff: -seduced you, but like, you kind of have this like- this weird shit-eating grin, what do you do? What do you do, because he only rolled an eleven, so-
Evan: So-
Jeff: So- So, you’re into it, but-
Evan: He like- He like, giggled, slightly?
Jeff: Yeah but like-
Evan: Nice, you’re playing coy! You’re playing coy with me.
Vince: It’s how I do.
Evan: Alright-
Vince: It’s how I get all the men.
Evan: Alright- alright-
Vince: I’m gonna- I’m gonna- I’m gonna buy him a- What is it, an ale?
Jeff: Yar! What can I do for ye? [Everyone starts laughing]
Evan: WHAT THE FUCK! Is there a pirate in here?!
Jeff: [pirate voice] You’re in a pirate tavern! [more laughter]
Evan: Wait-
[The audio cuts out for a few seconds again]
[Everyone laughs.]
Evan: I’m gonna get a pint of swill! And I’m gonna pour it all over her shirt!
Jeff: Pint of swill! He slides it down the bar to you.
Evan: [laughing] I’m gonna slide it back! [Everyone laughs.] And I’m gonna give him a thumbs up!
Jeff: He slides it to you slowly this time.
Evan: [laughing] I grab it. I wanna down the whole thing, slam the cup on the ground, put my arm around the new wench, and just go for it! Big sloppy kiss.
Jeff: Wood Elf?
Evan: Tongue down the throat.
Vince: He doesn’t have to roll for any of that? I have to- [distressed/affronted] I have to be the one to make all the moves? [Everyone laughs.]
Jeff: This is weird.
Vince: Some fuckin’ pirate!
Evan: Wait! Should I roll for- for- for seduction?
Vince: Yeah!
Evan: I’m a big, disgusting pirate- can I be an Orc? [everyone laughs]
Vince: This was already decided- whether or not you were an Orc!
Jeff: [still laughing] Wait wait wait, your character, mid-seduction- [Everyone laughs.]
Vince: [british accent] Excuse me, bar-keep, where is your plastic surgeon?
Evan: [bad pirate voice] Why are you talking like this? [Everyone laughs. Vince makes a strange noise that might be a laugh.]
Jeff: Is that your pirate noise?
Vince: That’s what they all sounded like.
Jeff: What the fuck was that?
Vince: That’s what they sounded like.
Jeff: What kinda pirate are you?
Vince: It sounds like that kinda bullshit where they just made it up. I mean they used to all go [He makes the strange noise again, and everyone laughs.]
Jeff: Wh- Are they lawyers too? [Evan makes a weird noise and everyone laughs]
Vince: I think he’s just stalling ‘cause he has no game.
Evan: What do you mean I- I made my moves!
Vince: You didn’t roll- you didn’t roll.
Evan: I made my moves- oh, okay
Jeff: I don’t know what page to even look at for this.
Evan: [dice hits the table] Fifteen. [Everyone pauses] Fif-teen! He’s sucking my dick!
[Audio cut to Evan and Vinny laughing]
Jeff: I don’t wanna be a part of this anymore.
Vince: I told you not to go!
Jeff: No!
Evan: Go!
Jeff: I’m gonna use the bathroom, I think this is-
Evan: Aw! This shit’s (?)-
Jeff: Let’s collect our thoughts , okay?
Evan: There’s somethin’ wrong with you, you’ve been using the bathroom a lot-
Jeff: I might have diabetes. [Everyone chuckles.]
Evan: Ahh, shit. [Pause] This game sucks.
[Cut.]
Evan: I- I have a Stallion, it was a couple of years ago, right? And, uh. A cop pulls me over, and, um. Y’know, I’m- I’m okay? I’m a little bit… fucked, but I’m okay.
Jeff: Mm, you’re a real piece of shit. [both laugh]
Evan: He pulls me over, the whole “how fast are you goin’ thing” and I was like uh, y’know terribly sorry sir. I’m terribly sorry. And y’know he’s starting to get a little suspicious by the way I’m acting and then um— I fuckin’. Out of— Out of nowhere. Out of nowhere. I just come up with the brilliant idea to be like, “So did you check out that cool new game that came out?” And he goes—
Jeff: [quietly] ‘scuse me sir?
[They both laugh]
Evan: That’s exactly! He goes, “Pardon me sir?” and I go, I go, “It’s like a little red guy, or something, and he’s jumpin’ around on—”
Jeff: Step out of the vehicle. [Jeff and Vince laugh]
Evan: “He’s jumpin’ around on mushrooms and stuff—” and that’s literally what came out! “He’s jumpin’ around on blocks and runnin’ around—” and he knew what I was talkin’ about! He was um— What’s it called? I fuckin’ played it I can’t remember what it’s called.
Vince: Pacman. It’s that new Pac—
Jeff: The Pacman? It’s The Pacman.
Evan: Oh it’s the Pacman! Yeah yeah yeah! Yeah.
Jeff: Yeah it’s the Pacman. I played the shit out of that.
Evan: Yeah.
Vince: How wild is that though?
Evan: What?
Vince: You just have to go to the fuckin’ down the block to the— Seven-Eleven.
[CUT]
Vince: So Dukakis... [Weird laugh] Woah!
[Silence]
Evan: What?
[Jeff laughs.]
Evan: Who’s Dukakis?
[Silence]
Vince: Are y— Are you serious?
Evan: Yeah what’s— What’s a du— what’s a du— Did you make that up? Dukakis. What’s a Dukakis?
Vince: Yeah. No I did. I made it up.
[Evan and Jeff laugh.]
Vince: Guy’s named Dukakis... [He laughs] He’s gonna win for sure.
Jeff: I dunno if you’re fucking with us.
Vince: Mr. Du— Mr. Dukus?
Evan: Win what? Who’s Dukakis?
Jeff: Are you doing a bit?
[Silence]
Vince: He’s gonna be the next president of the United States of America. Are we fuckin’ serious?
Evan: I dunno what the fuck you’re talkin’ about!
Vince: Jesus Christ!
Evan: Wait. Wait. Wait. I’m sorry. Go back to the—
Jeff: What’s the platform I’m sorry.
Evan: Go back to this. There’s a man named Dukakis? That’s gonna—
Vince: He wants to legalize. Um. Um. He wants to—
Evan: No he doesn’t.Yeah. He’s full of— You’re full of shit!
Vince: Yeah he does! He’s a democrat!
Evan: [in a silly voice] Oh there’s this magical Dukakis who came out of the forest and he wants to legalize everything— everything that we’re addicted to...duur!
Jeff: Where’s he from? Massachusetts?
Vince: Maryland. He loves crabs. He has crabs.
[They all laugh.]
Evan: Who doesn’t, right?
Vince: I don’t know but I know enough that it’s Dukakis and he’s gonna be the next president of the United States of America.
Evan: Jeff, didn’t you have crabs?
Jeff: Fuck off man.
Evan: Your hair looks like it has crabs. [He laughs]
[Jeff laughing]
Evan: Can you imagine getting crabs in your beard, Vinny?
[They all laugh. Inaudible speech]
Evan: Does that shit happen? That doesn’t happen.
Jeff: That could happen.
Evan: That’s disgusting.
Vince: [quietly] That would be lice.
[Jeff and Vinny talking while Evan goes off]
Evan: That’s disgusting. That’s not just lice! That’s nut lice, that’s what those are! Crabs are vag lice not regular lice! You can’t have nut lice and vag lice on your beard!
Vince: Sure you can.
Jeff: Would they go to war?
[They all laugh]
Vince: Ooh! Would they meet at the sideburns? That’s—
Jeff: The side burns!
Evan: Would the regular lice fight with the nut lice and the vag lice?!
[All laughing]
Jeff: Throw some spiders into the mix.
Evan: [laughing] Oh-ho-ho my god!
Vince: My face is no longer my own!
Evan: It’s like,uh, what is it, Lord of the Rings!
[Laughing]
Evan: Oh my god.
Jeff: [quietly] That’s disgusting.
[Evan laughs]
Vince: So you mean to tell me. That you read the Lord of the Rings.
Evan: Yeah man!
Vince: But you don’t know—
Evan: All of ‘em.
Vince: Duckus— Dookus— What’s his name again?
[All of them laughing]
Evan: You’re drunk! [laughing] You’re drunk!
[burp]
Jeff: You don’t even know his first name.
Vince: George.
Jeff: Nope.
Evan: Dukakis. Do-cock-is.
Jeff: I dunno his first name.
Evan: I can’t decide if I want to make fun of the dookie part or the cock part. But it’s both pretty good.
Vince: Or the us. ‘Cause it’s for all of us.
[Evan chuckling]
Jeff: [quietly] Gross.
Vince: Dookie cock for all of us.
[Jeff laughing]
Evan: Dookie cock for— for all of us! Dookie cock for every man!
[Laughing]
[Ends]
Notes:[]
- The substance Evan was driving under is confirmed to be heroin in the Q&A chat #3.